Mother Divided..


August 2, 2017

 So it finally happened... today my daughter told me something about how shes feeling... "You always spend time with Emmett, never me" not angrily, but sorrowfully. When I was pregnant with Emmett I was a bit concerned about the adjustment from one to two kids. I knew I would be frazzled and physically tired. But what I was mainly concerned about was my little girl. The little girl that had five years of just me and her. Five years of my undivided attention, five years of undivided love. I was sad when I thought about the adjustment she was going to have to go through. I never ever wanted her to feel unloved, unimportant, or second to the baby. My girl has big emotions she has a big heart and that kind of hurt inside I never wanted her to feel. Today, I am tired. Today at bedtime when she asked as she does every night for me to snuggle her in her bed, I really didn't want to. I wanted to go snuggle my own bed alone and sleep. I wanted to relax. But then those words came out of my girl's mouth, and  I didn't argue with her anymore I didn't say any more I just turned the light off and climbed up in bed with her and pulled her close. We didn't say anything. She laid her head against my chest and I stroked her head. I began to remember that she was a baby like Emmett at one point. She was my first born the one who made me a mother. I had nursed her and rocked her the very same way I do now with Emmett. I feel since having a second baby around, with him needing so much attention (babies are needy) it almost made me see Lacey as so much older in a way. Almost like she didn't need as much of me anymore, but that's so not true. She still needs so much of me and I realized this tonight as I held her in silence. Reflecting on my day with her and how so many instances I had put her second to her brother. Without even realizing it. My heart broke a little bit tonight and as I held my firstborn in my arms, silent tears rolled down my cheeks. We had a talk about how I loved her and that she was very special to me.I told her I was sorry I made her feel that way.When I left her room she was at peace.Her heart just needed some love from her mama.